new-day-sunrise

I had a few weeks on my own during the snow and this gave a chance for my mind to settle. I was also listening to Johann Hari’s book Lost Connections (click here) and was practicing the on duty off duty practice from the insight training (click here) each morning. I felt open and my heart felt tender. I felt OK to be alone. Each time I listened to the Chapter on disconnection from childhood trauma, I would cry but didn’t know why.

I had been to the doctors and my blood pressure was a bit high and so they sent me home with a blood pressure monitor and it remained high. Frankly I was annoyed about this, as I have been a vegan for two and a half years and my smug expectation was that my blood pressure would be low. I walked the dogs most days so I wasn’t as sedentary as many and I had recently started more exercise after my bout of flu in January. I was 50 in December and so keen to not go downhill physically. So I did my research, reduced salt further, had coffee only first thing in the morning, started drinking hibiscus tea and taking a couple of tablespoons of ground flax seeds each day. I didn’t see much change. I don’t want to go on blood pressure medication.

I’ve talked before in this blog about a fear I carry around with me, that I am not good enough. But I can refine that fear now, or at least one aspect of it. It is a fear of being humiliated and it drives me to perfect and to make sure I don’t fail. There was also shame. This fear manifested as a physical bracing against life, a constant but subtle clenching of fists and teeth, on guard against the next attack. I can see clearly now how this has damaged my relationships with those from whom I expect criticism, how I have shut these people out and down. Of course, I am seeing this in hindsight and so have some reparations to make.

Anyway, when my husband got home from Australia I felt safer and the insights arose thick and fast. I experienced a series of memories from my childhood, which manifested together and a new understanding about them emerged. I shared them with my husband and was met with unconditional acceptance and understanding. There were more tears.

Something lifted. I was and still am filled with joy, I feel lighter and the physical bracing is gone – at least for now. I feel beyond right and wrong.

Then a couple of days later I took my blood pressure and it was healthy – just what you would expect for an exercising vegan. I was delighted! The stress I had been carrying was gone. This is the power of compassion- based mindfulness practice – it leads to psychological insight that frees us from the habits that cause us to suffer!

I don’t get a big insight like this every day, it is more like every couple of years – I can see that this one has been brewing for a while. I am happier for now – until the next difficulty arises and there is another possibility for personal growth.

I hope to connect with you this week in our new membership site (fingers crossed that it happens this week). Come and be part of our community of members: click here

Kind Wishes,

Heather

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Author: Heather Regan-Addis

Heather began training in Mindfulness Meditation with Rob Nairn in 2004. She is British Wheel of Yoga trained yoga teacher, has a Post Graduate Diploma in Mindfulness Based Approaches from the University of Bangor, Wales and has a Masters degree in Studies in Mindfulness from the University of Aberdeen. She is a co-founder and director of the Mindfulness Association, a Mindfulness, Compassion and Insight teacher and leads the team that developed and delivers the Mindfulness teacher training program to teach the Mindfulness Based Living Course. She is an honorary Fellow of the University of Aberdeen and was involved in the development of the Masters program in Studies in Mindfulness at the University of Aberdeen, which is a collaboration with the Mindfulness Association and also teaches on the program.