Life is good. And yet, I seem to allow myself to suffer. The cause of my suffering? My mind of course! I notice I have been quite serious lately. A bit weighed down with my negative thought patterns. The resistance in this feels like sticky dark treacle clouding my mind – clinging to negative thoughts. In his book Buddha’s Brain, Rick Hanson says that the mind clings to the negative like Velcro, and yet the positive thoughts and intentions slide away from the mind like Teflon. I have had a real sense of this recently. Despite this resistance I have had to consciously work through it and surrender to life.
Whilst life is good, it’s also been very busy. Hectic in fact. I have this relatively new job with the Mindfulness Association. I really love this job and am grateful for it.
I have been travelling a lot. I’ve had the opportunity to teach Mindfulness Level 1 at Samye Ling in Scotland and on a retreat in Spain. I’m also teaching mindfulness regularly in Sweden, which means days of catching trains, buses and planes. Furthermore, teaching mindfulness to young carers under the Everyone Project charity has led me to drive for two hours weekly over a couple of months.
Travelling has found its way into other parts of my life. I have a close friend I see regularly, who lives 200 miles away from me. This involves more trains or long car journeys. I find travelling exciting and I like it and I am very happy staying with my friend.
I have to travel to Manchester every other Tuesday for the MAHQ meetings with my Mindfulness Association colleagues. I love these meetings where we all work together.
I sit here now writing this on the 6:30 train to Manchester, having got up at 4:15 after 6 hours sleep. Do I feel tired? No.
Also I am fortunate to have a lovely 5-year-old boy in my life, my grandson, who is source of joy. We share a close relationship and I spend a whole day most weeks hanging out with him. Is this tiring? Not really – it’s fun.
Life is good, so why have I felt heavy with seriousness and
gloom?
I thought it was because I have been over busy and
overwhelmed by the constant change of being here and there. Switching from caring for a 5-year-old, travelling
to teach mindfulness, doing my communications job for the MA and spending time
with my friends. But no, that isn’t
it. Then I thought it was because I’m
‘maturing’ and feeling tired. After all
I should be slowing down now?? I think
not.
The Vortex
So, what’s been wrong?
My thinking has been wrong! I’d fallen into a vortex of desire.
Whilst doing my mindfulness meditation over the weekend I suddenly had an insight. I realised that instead of relishing all the joy I have in my life, I have been focussing on all the negatives and ruminating on the past. I’ve allowed fear of losing some of these good things to take over. This has led to a feeling of unworthiness. I have talked myself into being tired and overwhelmed, whereas in reality I am not at all. Even though life is good, I realised that I actually want certain things to be even better. Now here is my confession – I see I had a desire for it to be perfect – my way and now! I detected a sense of resentment creeping in. Moreover, how did I feel when I had this realisation? Well, I didn’t feel good about myself at all.
Co-incidentally, Tricycle magazine published a brilliant article with extracts from the book – From Mindfulness to Insight – about overcoming the vortex of desire.
“Many of us desire situations in our lives to be different, while others desire parts of ourselves to be different, feeling that we are not good enough as we are”!
There it was staring me in the face! I had fallen into the vortex of desire. Once spiralling
away in this vortex of desire, I had been focussing on what was wrong rather
than what is right. This had led to
overthinking. All the busyness and travelling, in what is a very fulfilling
life, had destabilised me a bit but only because I thought it had. Actually, I’m perfectly ok. The only
thing that was getting me down was my mind and its overthinking in a negative
spiral. And it was that which was hard work and tiring!
The Remedy
The remedy is my mindfulness practice of course. But I recognise the importance of integrating
mindfulness practice into daily life rather than depending on my formal
practice.
By noticing what is happening while it is happening (the
definition of mindfulness), I am able to notice when my mind is spinning off
into the whirlpool of negative thinking.
So now I am practicing being present in all that I do and feeling happy
in that. I received some teachings at
the weekend and realised that it is possible to be happy even though there are
things present that are not as I would desire.
In order to further train my mind, I am practicing resting
my mind on a simple mantra, my breath, the feel of my body or sounds around me
as I travel from place to place and engage in activities. Just as in our formal practice we are trained
to rest 20% of the mind on a support such as breath or sound, in my daily life
I am gently resting it on a support wherever I am, whatever I am doing,
whenever possible, with kindness. Having
a crazy mind isn’t my fault, so I see I need to be kind to myself and even
laugh at myself when I forget or get caught in the negative mind trap.
I was also inspired by Heather’s and Kristine’s blogs this week which were also of a similar theme of letting go of what is past, present and future. There is a lightness and relief in that.
In the book – From Mindfulness to Insight – it explains how our sense of self is inflated by our desires and dissatisfaction. Once we notice what is going on, we have a choice to lessen our cravings, which
“enhances our capacity to enjoy life and increases our sensitivity to the richness and diversity of our experience”.
This is the beauty of the fruits of our practice. The insight and wisdom that arises from our mindfulness practice.
Weekly Challenge
I invite you to check in with your life right now. Notice
what is good and what is bothering you. Notice what is happening while it is
happening. Become aware of having dropped into the vortex of desire for things
to be different to how they actually are and how that is affecting you. Is it possible to be present and mindful with
all that is happening in your life today and still have a sense of happiness
for what is right?
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences so please do
leave a comment or respond
to me personally by email.
I wish you well in your practice and your lives. This stuff isn’t always easy, but the fruits
of our labour is a priceless gift for living our lives well and ultimately
benefiting those around us.
Warmest wishes
Jacky
References
Hanson, R., 2009. Buddha’s brain: The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom. New Harbinger Publications.
Nairn, R., Choden., Regan-Addis, H., 2019. From Mindfulness to Insight. Shambala. (Available from Shambala and Hive)